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Do you love yourself?

I have written of theory saying that this is the first step to feel good and succeed in interpersonal interactions and relationships. How many times we doubt our worth for our partner or potential partner? Are we good enough to deserve it? By “it” I mean love, care, passion, excitement, security, help, support, understanding, forgiveness, tolerance, courtesies, surprises, gifts and all the other things you expect from relationship. I believe that if we are not secure inside we cannot simply accept the risk - the risk to put all we have into hands of the other person. Not trusting ourselves how we can trust the other? Would it work?

Healthy respect for yourself – this is what makes you confident to say: “I like myself for who I am, what I do, and I am able to achieve. I love myself for how I can fully enjoy my life.” How self-aware you are and how self-confident? What do you really know about yourself? Do you like it?

I am certain about one thing: The more self-aware we are, the more we value of who we are, the more we feel secure, the more we enjoy being ourselves and the more attractive to the others we seem to be. It simply shines.

Need of intimacy and sex

We could say we are fine not having it. We lie. Once you are used to have it regularly you need it. It is like a drug. You simply miss it. It is natural, healthy and f*****g good :)) It is not just sex and its pleasures I talk about. It is the feeling you have someone to think of, someone to call if the whole world is against you. A good kiss could totally change your day from bad to good; a nice caress could lift your emotions, so many little things you could miss if you don’t have them. The question is: Do we want cover the need by some sex or pretending to be close to someone without deep feelings? Is it enough? Should we wait for The One not having it? Everyone sees it differently…

Need for intimacy and sex is given by nature. It is one of the greatest motivations in our life. What I perceive as the best part of it is “sharing the moment”. By “sharing the moment” I mean enjoy the time having sex leaving your troubled mind behind (Not that simple sometimes, hm?). Enjoy the relaxing time after sex (not talking about biological facts like endorphins in our blood etc.), when every touch, nice word or smile count for our memories twice. Sharing the dreams, wishes or secrets creates enormous security, trust and magic of the moment. Intimacy is like the secret hidden beautiful world that just you two could access. I understand those who say that just sex without feelings is great (no bounds, no responsibilities, and no extra care of the other). It might save lot of time and money. I think it deprives such people of the more important thing from my point of view – the secure, trustful world of dreams, wishes and secrets. Don’t deprive yourself of the magic I call “sharing the moment”.

What do you fear most? What do you need?

Do you fear being lonely? Do you fear dishonesty? Do you fear pain? Do you fear failing by pursuing your dreams? Do you fear the unknown? Do you fear you are not able to trust? What do you fear? You probably know that many people are in relationships not to be alone. If you are in relationship you maybe feel wanted, your social status rises [especially when you could put it on Facebook :)], you have “someone for something”. Now comes the hurting question: Why are you in relationship with that person? Or more business-wise why are you sleeping with that person? What is it you “buy” for it? [Now everybody would be offended by such questions – reading it once more – some of you would say, I don’t have other reason that just I love him/her, some of you will answer to your conscience some of the reasons why.] Both are OK, if you know what you seek.

Some of us are hot, some not. Some of us are smart, some not. Some of us have something the others want. There are tunes of things we are and offer… And there are sad moments when you are asking yourself if you are just “a good source of something” for your “partner” or does she/he really loves you. Such doubts sometimes kill relationships, and sometimes save people in them. Where they are not acceptable is even before the relationship starts. Do they want me for what I know, can do or have; or just for who I am? Just STOP it! Trust, risk it, let you get hurt, again, again, and again… Once it could be IT!

So, are we ready and clear about that what we want is not anything else, just that person for who she/he is? Is it unconditional love we are ready to give and receive?

To have someone, not to be alone is not really the same as seeking love. “When you are hungry you would eat anything.” It is connected with previous two parts. Maybe you rush into relationship because you are insecure being alone, doubting your worth, not knowing much about who you really are. Second, absence of sex and intimacy could also push you into relationships that don’t have much chance for long-term success. Ask yourself what fits you best.

Remember: Being alone is not fine but you still don’t hurt the other person like might happen in a bad relationship. Take your time, enjoy being single, have fun, learn what you love, what you are good at and what is your value. You will be like magnet. Once you are ready, you would know.

Pursuing the dream…

There is this one day when you realize that your prince or princess are one of the people walking actually on Earth with their different qualities, different habits, dreams, values and behaviors. You suddenly see that love it not something falling down from the skies but that you need to let it happen. That you create it, nurture it like fire, and allow it to get real even for the cost of failing many times before you succeed. Do we know how does it look like? How do we recognize it is here? I don’t know but what I believe is that we need to be ready to catch it when it crosses our path. Are we ready to catch it?

During the day at school, at bars, at the streets, you meet so many people and yet you feel in this rush of the day lonely. You defend yourself against thousands of thing going around, you filter them as well as people. You could be suddenly blind saying: “There are no people I would like to date.” Especially this could happen when you got hurt from previous relationship. Isn’t it just the blindness or you are keeping your eyes closed? When you regain your self-confidence, security and you are able to enjoy every day with all it brings you are ready to raise your head and open your eyes. Remember: Your love may be someone you already know or you may meet today or tomorrow. So, keep your senses opened. Watch, listen and feel it.

Conclusion

In conclusion I want to ask if you are happy in your relationship. Are you thinking of some of the insides I’ve given you in previous 4 parts? Are you ready for a happy relationship?

I believe that if you constantly learn who you are and with that discovery you would really value yourself with healthy respect. In fact you are special! Every single one of you is special. Do you love yourself for who you are? If you don’t trust me, just sit down and start writing a list of things you are great in or what others say they like about you. I am confident that you will find tunes of things.

Don’t rush in relationship just because you are lonely. Let it come to you. Enjoy the time being single and use it to learn more about yourself and what you need in relationship and from your partner. The more you know the better relationship you could create. List up things you love to do and you would never give up for anybody and organize them.

Think of what you fear and what makes you feel bad. It is still better than not knowing. Knowing it you can fight it and get stronger, more self-confident and self-sufficient. Sometimes is good not to expect much from starting relationship but not to know what you need in relationship could be start of break-up even if it takes years. Do you know what the 3 or 5 key things are that you absolutely need and expect from your partner?

Look around, listen and feel the atmosphere. There are plenty of things to enjoy and many great people to meet. When you feel you are ready your senses will open up to the world and great opportunities start to show up as well as beautiful people. Don’t miss that and enjoy it!

Special thanks to all people who inspired me back in May 09. With all respect and gratitude THANK YOU!
In conclusion of the conclusion “I strongly recommend not to take my advice.” It makes more harm than good if you take something that does not suit you. You should know first what the best for you is to make yourself and your partner happy. Good luck!

Květoslav Nezveda | 5th November 2009